I just couldn't help myself...
This was inspired by Diane Echelbarger's 
"Nicholas and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Night",
which has always, always been one of my favorite stories,
as well as Cindy Ingram's "The Object of her Affection"...
(waving to Cindy <g>)
and of course, Where The Wild Things are, by Maurice Sendak.


Where the Wild Vampires Are...
A parody
by Dorothy Elggren

The night Nick wore his sexy leather jacket 
(and even sexier silver belt),
some imp surfaced and made mischief of one kind
and another.
Natalie was turned on by his sexy leather jacket 
(and even sexier silver belt) 
and was nibbling on his ear.
And then she started kissing him on the lips. 
Nick found that he like Natalie kissing him on his lips,
and he liked nibbling on her.  Especially on the neck...

But when his fangs dropped and he went from nibbling to
biting Natalie's smooth white neck, 
where pulsing and leaping blood called to him, 
Nick got smacked across the face and 
Natalie called him "WILD VAMPIRE!"
Nick laughed seductively and said,
"Then I'll drink your blood, sweet Natalie, 
isn't that what you really want?"
So Natalie slammed the elevator door on her way out
and Nick went to bed without drinking anything at all,
because he was damned if he would have one of
her lousy shakes; and cow blood just didn't do it
after the seductive elixer of Natalie's blood!
(He did get an itty bitty taste before she slapped him
and he *really* wanted more...)

That very day in Nick's room a forest grew,
and grew,
and grew, until his ceiling hung with chains,
and the walls became a mystical world
filled with lush moonlight,
and a river of blood tumbled by with a private yacht for Nick.
And he sailed off through the night
in and out of decades
and over centuries
to the Raven where the wild vampires are.
And when he came to the Raven where the wild vampires are,
they snarled their loudest snarls, and displayed their glinting fangs
and let their eyes glow green and red and gold and showed their
terrible table manners as blood dripped down their chins,
till Nick laughed and said "Let's drink all the blood in the world!
and tamed them by showing his badge, 
and ripping off his sexy leather jacket, 
and showing off his sexy silver belt.
They were *very* impressed and called him the sexiest and wildest
vampire of all and made him king of all the wild vampires.
And now, cried Nick in a deep vampire roar, "let the wild orgy start!"
And they partied and danced and drank blood and made love and
drank stray mortals' blood
until Nick realized he wasn't really happy without his angst.
"Stop!" Nick said, and sent all the wild vampires off to the cellar to
sleep without any more blood.  
And Nick the king of all the wild vampires 
was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him for more
than his jacket or belt or even badge.
Then all around from far away across the wide wide world
he smelled good things to drink.
So he gave up being king of where the wild vampires are.
But the vampires cried, "Oh please don't go--
we'll drink your blood--we love you so!"
And Nick seeing that it was really his belt they wanted, growled "No!"
The vampires snarled their loudest snarls, and displayed their glinting fangs
and let their eyes glow green and red and gold and showed their
terrible table manners. 
But Nick stepped into his private yacht and waved
goodbye and he sailed back over centuries
and in and out of decades
and back through the moonlit night
back into the day of his very own room
where he found Natalie waiting for him,
(clad only in his robe)
with a glass of her own blood in her hand,
and it was still warm...