Dr. Natalie Lambert   Is this the same guy who came begging to me to help him change so he could see the sunrise?

My life was on the fast track--going just where I planned, when one night everything
changed--forever.

He was a John Doe killed by a pipe bomb, when he tried to stop a robbery.  But
when I opened up that body bag, he looked like he had cut himself shaving.  He
wasn't so bad at all...and then he got up off my table, drank down a pint of blood,
rather bitterly informed me he was a vampire and changed my life.

I can't tell you exactly why I volunteered to help him.  It might have been for the
scientific challenge, it might have been his looks, or the sad, desperate despair I
saw in his eyes.  I don't know.  If I'm honest, its more likely because even then
I was attracted to him--more than attracted.  So I started looking for a cure for
Nick Knight.

And that was how I gained my first living (so to speak) patient.  You see, I'm a medical
examiner for the city of Toronto, a pathologist, to be specific.  I love searching for
answers found in the body itself.  Forensic medicine is fascinating and exciting, and
it just so happens, the perfect background for finding a cure for a vampire. Nick
joined the force as a homicide detective and it was and ideal solution.  It allowed us
to work on finding his cure without any undue notice.  It also gave me a chance to
work on his self-image because the burden of guilt for all the lives he has taken, weighs
on him heavily.  One reason he likes being a cop is that saving people helps him balance
the scales.

He said he wanted to see the sunrise, that he wanted to be mortal.   He's been
looking for a long, long time,and every time some magical cure or possible
quick fix presents itself to him, he runs off after it.  I can't tell you how angry
that makes me.  Nothing of value comes quickly.  Nothing.  But you can't
tell Nick that. But then I have to remember, he believes in the metaphysical, ghosts
and magic.  He comes from a far different time.

But he's not the only one who makes mistakes.  When my brother Richard was shot,
and lay dying in the hospital, I begged Nick to bring him across.  He didn't want
to.  He told me to leave it in God's hands, but I couldn't.  I coerced Nick into doing
it.  I saved my brother, only to see him caught up in the power and blood lust.  He
began killing--because he wanted to bring criminals to justice--but his methods
were so wrong.  And then, he went after me and Sarah, his wife.  I don't know
what he would have done--I will never know, because Nick stopped him.  He
killed him.  And my hopes turned to ashes.  I was wrong to ask this of Nick.  I
had no idea how difficult it is to control the "beast." I was wrong.

Despite our mistakes we went on. I found what I thought was a cure, once, but it
turned out to be a fix.  I almost turned him into a junkie.  When I stop and think
in quiet moments, I realize how incredibly unprofessional my approach is.  I have
no one to talk to, no way to perform laboratory tests, except on Nick.  I'm uneasy
when I realize how easily I choose Nick over my ethics.  But I won't go there.

For a while things went well, but when LaCroix, his master returned, Nick began
backsliding--slowly losing ground.  Before that he seemed so human, so happy,
but since LaCroix returned--so many things have happened, so many bad things.
And every one of them has set him back farther and farther from his goal of
mortality and humanity.

Schanke's death was a  huge blow to him. I don't think he realized how much he
loved and needed Schanke until he died.  And without Schanke to talk to, he only
had myself and LaCroix.  The scales began to shift.  And that was when we began
to lose the battle.  Further damange was done when Nick was shot, and then
possessed.  A cure seemed almost impossible.  Until Janette returned.

Janette gave us the only solid evidence of a cure.  Somehow, she crossed back
over to mortality, after she and Robert, the man she loved, made love--taking
only a little at a time.  But it was only when he died, shot down by assassins that
she became mortal.  I don't know if it was the blood exchange, or the grief she
released, or both.  It utterly defies all scientifc evidence.  And Nick absolutely
refuses to try it.  He won't risk my life.

It's not the first time he's made that clear.  Last year in my fear when we had the
asteroid scare, I begged him to bring me across, to let me give him all the things
I hold back.  And he turned me down.  It hurt like hell.  I wonder if he loves me,
or only my mortality, until I look into his eyes, and then I know.  He loves me. And
there isn't a thing we can do about it--without a cure.

Last night, in the precinct, Tracy was shot.  It came only hours after I learned that
my friend Lora had committed suicide.  I realized that my life might have been like
hers--empty and lonely--without Nick.  Tonight I have learned that Tracy is dead,
and I must tell Nick.  I'm afraid it will devastate him, much as I am devastated.
In the morgue last night, with Lora's body between us, I asked him to love me as
much as I love him.

Tonight, when I tell him of Tracy's death, I will also tell him that I love him and
trust him.  We can no longer stand still, we have to move on, one way or another.
I know this as surely as I know I love him.  There isonly one thing left for us to try.
One last shot.  I have faith him, that he will take only a little at a time.  I have faith...

Well, I guess I knew the risks                when I signed on.